Chapter 03. A talk about HOW TO BE LIKED EFFORTLESSLY
The Human Side of Team Alignment: Human connection and the subtle art of likability in workplace dynamics
By Lin91
I pulled into a quiet villa by the lake, drawn by the promise of coffee and conversation. The café was a maze of charm—garden chairs under trees, cozy corners inside, balconies that kissed the breeze, and even a patch of sand beneath low tables. I wandered, early as usual, scouting the perfect spot.
Upstairs, I caught a glimpse of the host—meticulously adjusting a projector in a small, dim room. What a pity, I thought. So many beautiful spaces, and we’d be tucked away in a “formal” box.
Still, something about the care in their setup held my attention. I slipped into a balcony seat downstairs, laptop open, tying up another meeting. But my mind stayed with that quiet room upstairs. I had a feeling that space—small as it was—might be where something bigger would begin
From Frameworks to Friendships
In a time when workplace collaboration depends more on emotional intelligence than formal authority, the question “How can we be liked effortlessly?” holds a certain weight than ever. In a session hosted as part of the After Hour series, professionals of different generations, in different industries gathered not to network, but to reflect, laugh, challenge norms, and reveal what makes humans connect as part of the way of working.
Do you have authority over your team?
Would you like to make a deeper impact on your team?
Notably, the session emphasized that to move people up this ladder, the Friendship Formula can be intentionally applied. It’s not just about being around—it’s about how you’re around.
The Icebreaker: Cake, TikTok & Korean Dramas
The session opened with a standing-sitting activity. Participants were shown visual prompts—if they loved what they saw, they stood; if they hated it, they sat.
The first was a toilet paper roll being sliced by a knife—only for it to reveal itself as a hyperrealistic cake. Just one person stood: “I like it because it goes against the norm and it made a surprise”. She appreciated its twist on expectations. The others recoiled: “It looks smelly,” “Why cut it off-center?” “It felt wrong from the beginning.” “It’s not a proper methodology to deal with it, who on earth uses a knife to cut the paper.”
TikTok? Surprisingly, zero participants stood up. Enough said.
Korean dramas sparked more reflection. Two admitted their love for it—one for the emotional drama and ideas for storytelling; another, more candidly, shared that growing up, Korean dramas were all there was on TV, and they liked it because “the girls were pretty.”
Meanwhile, another participant said they preferred peaceful, reflective content—not the melodrama of most K-dramas. Someone quipped: “I like watching Korean actresses, but not the drama. It’s too over the top.” “I used to watch K-drama before, but not now because it’s too lengthy, and now there are movie recap on social media that I can know about movies without watching them all” “I prefer drama at work than Korean drama ahaha”
It wasn't just a game—it was a social scan. Reactions weren’t just about personal taste. They revealed decision-making styles, emotional biases, and generational contrast. And it leads to another thought “Do not just love and hate, define it! Do we have the same definition of love and hate?”
Love, Hate, and Everything in Between
As the conversation deepened, the group was asked to define love and hate. It opened a floodgate of raw, thoughtful reflections.
One participant shared:
“I don’t often hate. I might dislike something, but I only hate when someone does real harm to me.”
While another asked: “If there are 2 teams working well internally, but the 2 teams don’t like each other. Will you be mixing them up or you keep them separate?”
And on love?
“It’s like caring for a flower—you nurture it, protect it. Liking something is just admiring the flower in a vase.”
“If someone loves me, I ‘ll love them, regardless of whether we share opinions”
- “But how could you know if they love you or not?”
That contrast was striking—and led to a collective realization: we use emotional words daily without ever defining them clearly. Someone remarked:
“We use emotional words daily without ever defining them clearly. Turns out we all have our own definitions. But until we articulate them, we can’t expect others to understand or connect.”
Likability is Not a Gift—It’s a Science
The session opened with a bold declaration: “To be liked is not luck. It’s science.”
Drawing from the Friendship Formula, a behavioral model famously used by the FBI and U.S. military in high-stakes negotiations, the speaker introduced the four core elements that drive likability:
Proximity – How physically or virtually close you are to others.
We are hardwired to like what’s familiar. Physical closeness—be it seating arrangements or shared environments—creates a sense of trust.
"Eat with your team. Sit with your team. Familiarity breeds connection."
Frequency – How often you engage or are visible to someone.
Seeing someone regularly increases comfort. But visibility alone isn't enough. You must also ensure positive interactions occur. The speaker quoted:
"It takes 8-9 positive interactions to balance one negative one."
One member raised a question: “Do you think “frequency” is enough? In my team, when new member joins and is asked to join lunch everyday with the team, they don’t feel so comfortable”
The host quickly responded: “You are right. Because it’s missing the most important element: Meaning. We will come to that shortly” :)
Duration – The long you spend together.
Time matters, but time must be pleasant. Long hours without meaning drain connection. The tip: design team interactions that are both extended and enjoyable—through trips, games, or shared rituals.
Meaning – How meaningful your interactions are - The Magic Ingredient
The formula revealed that it’s not charisma that builds trust—it’s consistent, purposeful engagement.
Do these elements resonate with you? Are they enough? Share your thoughts—and let’s co-create a refined formula that truly works for our unique workplace culture.
Eye Contact, Seating, and Design Thinking in Action
A question was raised:
“Does eye contact make people closer?”
The host replied, “It depends.” Between men, too much eye contact can feel confrontational. But if I maintain eye contact with a woman, it’s often received differently—more as attentiveness or confidence. Still, it’s important to be aware of how we hold that gaze. Personally, when I make eye contact, I use a rhythm: I meet the gaze, look away briefly to the side or downward, then return. I never stare too long or look down submissively. It creates a balance—engaged but not intrusive
“Just don’t look down,” he added. “Keep your gaze up.”
The participant then pointed out a design flaw in the room—rows of chairs meant participants couldn’t see each other’s faces, it blocked interaction. That led to an impromptu seating change: chairs were rearranged into a U-shape. Instantly, the atmosphere shifted. Conversations flowed. Laughter became shared. The Friendship Formula was already applied and brought in action.
This change isn’t just about comfort—it’s behavioral design in action. Eye contact works best when supported by body position, openness, and proximity. If we want connection, everything—from where you sit to how you look—matters.
Generational Gaps in Building Connection
The session reached a high point when some members dissected how different generations connect, regarding the question asked by the host: “What brings someone closer to you?”
“Drink. Talk. Everything flows.” — said the 7x–8x generation.
A younger participant shared a revealing insight:
“When team-building is organized by Gen Z for Gen Z, it always works. But when Gen Y or older plan it—even with the best intentions—something always feels off in one or another way.”
Another added:
“I used to struggle with the Gen Z members in my team. I eventually hired another Gen Z to work with them. They instantly bonded—and took care of each other. Problem solved.”
“If we have the same enemy, we will work harder together and get close to each other naturally.” “Simple example, if boss hired new member, published high salary and the new member is not that talented to worth the paid, other members will form a stronger team than ever”
And the Host simply shared: “Survey your team!” Yes, it’s about building up connection, by showing your team how you care.
How Much Time Do We Need to Build Rapport?
One exchange that stood out:
“What’s the ideal time to build rapport?”
“Just one hour,” said a participant. “Enough to break the ice and explore one topic—without dragging.”
“Then how do you make that time last longer?”
“Start with coffee, end with dinner. Few people say no to food.”
“Or maybe it depends on how the conversation makes us feel,” someone else offered.
Others shared tactical time frames:
“It takes me 30 minutes to get close to a teammate.”
“Just 10 minutes of talk is enough to tell—but that doesn’t mean real connection.”
“For us, only when conflict comes, we will know. So conflict is the real test. We often stage minor crises to see how people react, like an experiment. It reveals their integrity, resilience, and purpose. Everything, for us, is a mindset experiment.”
“Few mins to interact but maybe few years to really know who they are…”
A Question That Disarmed the Room
“So… can I assume that one of the biggest problems PMs face is that they’re not liked?” “
The room burst into laughter—for such a naive, silly yet straightforward question. But the question is actually about "Why do you come up with the idea of How to be liked effortlessly?”. The host replied honestly:
“Because no one teaches us this. I’m a coach, and many people were asking me the question. We’re trained in frameworks, metrics, and delivery models—but not in connection. And when people leave jobs, they rarely leave because of the process. They leave because of people.” He paused before finishing: “If we take care of our teams, they’ll take care of our customers. Likeability isn’t about being fake. It’s about being human.”
Another question was raised: “Will the Friendship Formula work if we apply it upward—to higher-tier managers or leaders in the hierarchy?”
It was a moment of truth—and strategy. The host responded with nuance:
“It can—but not everyone will be open to it. Some may perceive likability as a threat, especially if they’re insecure or territorial. That’s a risk we can’t always control.”
But the message was clear: likability isn’t about pleasing—it’s about positioning. When practiced with intention, the formula can still unlock access, trust, and influence—even in top-down structures.
Another participant confessed: “Actually I was expecting to play some games in the event today”. And many others agreed with the statement. The host smiled—and pulled out one called “What do you bring to the party”. Everyone is excited, one brings a friend, another ones bring a problem :))), a phone, a fresh mind, a solution, a coffee and a fresh mind. The game just helped to wrap up the session nicely.
The Spirit of After Hour
The session formally ended—but the real magic happened after. People lingered. Conversations deepened. Small groups formed. New friendships sparked. And suddenly, we all looked at each other and said, with a smile: “This is the real spirit of After Hour.”
Final Thought
Likability isn’t performance. It’s behavioral design.
It’s not about being nice. It’s about being seen, shared, and remembered.
The Friendship Formula—proximity, frequency, duration, and meaning—worked that night not as a theory, but as a living experience. Energetically shared by host, few mindset in action are observed:
1. 1. The Host: Attentive, adaptive, human-centered.
Mindset: Servant leadership in action—prioritized connection over control, theory over ego, and turned feedback into flow.
2. “The Cake Rebel”: Nonconformist, expressive, open to surprise.
Mindset: Challenges norms; sees creativity in the unexpected.
3. The K-Drama Admirers: Sentimental, expressive, nostalgic.
Mindset: Values emotional richness; draws identity from formative experiences.
4. The “Conflict as a Test” Strategist: Analytical, observant, psychologically sharp.
Mindset: Sees life as experiment; trusts behavior over words.
5. The Eye-Contact Analyst: Detail-oriented, socially aware.
Mindset: Observes micro-behaviors to build macro-connections.
6. The Team Survey Advocate: Systems thinker, inclusive.
Mindset: Believes co-creation is the fastest path to cohesion.
7. The Gen Z Translator: Bridging, empathetic, practical.
Mindset: Solves friction through cultural decoding.
8. The “Just One Hour” Reflector: Minimalist, high-trust, efficient.
Mindset: Prioritizes quality over quantity in connection.
9. The Unexpected Game Requester: Playful, spontaneous, honest.
Mindset: Seeks joy, values lightness as a form of engagement.
For me personally, in a room full of introverts and quiet thinkers, all it takes is one curious voice—ask just enough, or maybe even something a little silly—and suddenly, questions start flowing. That’s the spark. That’s how connection begins.